Realizations...

This is a piece I wrote to submit to O magazine…

I’ve come to realize this path is less about finding yourself and more about creating yourself. It doesn’t come cheap, there can be lots of sacrifices along the way, but it’s worth the cost.

     Two years ago our family found themselves at a crossroads of sorts. My husband was looking at trying to survive yet another round of corporate layoffs and the school I taught at was making a major shift in pedagogy.  It was a set of circumstances that wasn’t particularly out of the ordinary but presented us with the timing to do something extraordinary. For years we had dreamed of getting away from the rat race and spending a year on the road, traveling the country with our kids. And so we took the leap, sold everything we owned, bought an old 32 foot fifth wheel and a used truck and left our regular lives behind. I homeschooled our two boys, quietly while my husband slept after a long nightshift at his computer. It wasn’t ideal, and oftentimes it wasn’t pretty, but it was always worth it. During the afternoons we would explore America’s National parks and earn Jr. Ranger Badges, 60 of them! We spent our days exploring the battlefields of Gettysburg, the shell beaches of Sanibel Island and the small towns of America getting to know this country inside and out.  And what we found was truly miraculous. The time we were able to spend as a family, outside our comfort zone, pushed us to be closer than we could ever have imagined. Day in and day out of required mental and emotional flexibility gave us the space to see each other in our true forms. As a mother, I was able to see my children in a completely different light. I saw them stretching their comfort zones, making new friends along the way and maintaining long distance friendships. I saw them shift to become inquisitive learners, seeking out knowledge rather than waiting to have it presented to them. I saw them change and grow and become young men who engage and hold active conversations with people of all ages from all walks of life. I realized I had been seeing them as the world thought they “should” be, and judged their progress that way, rather than giving myself, and them, the space to see ourselves as we were and as we were becoming.

      As a wife I became even closer and more grateful for a husband who would do so much to spend this time with his family.  It was amazing to see him as a father, pushed beyond his comfort zone and still exploring and learning and overcoming along with us. How many times did we sit on the side of the rode with yet another flat laughing like lunatics because we realized that THIS WAS the life we chose, Rather than the hand we thought we had been dealt.  As a couple we were often amazed to look at each other and say “I can’t believe we are really doing this! We are living our dream!” I found myself living each day with a sense of authenticity in who I was becoming and what we were doing. I loved taking the time and space to really settle into a life of profound gratitude and gentle reverence for what I had achieved as well as what I had been given.

     And when people would ask why, why would you leave all you had achieved? Why would you give up your retirement? Why would you intentionally live in 320 square feet?  We would tell them. Because we all leave this world and we don’t get to choose when. And to leave this world with the regret of not having lived our dream, was too great a burden.

At the end of one year, we attempted to return to the life we had left behind only to find it no longer fit. We were trying to shove ourselves back into a box we had clearly outgrown, and my authentic self would not have it. So we didn’t even unpack, we just said our “see you down the road” ‘s to our beloved community and took off once again. The danger of finding your authentic self is that things will never again be the same. Nothing looks as it once did, nothing fits the same way. For us, living small had made so much more room in the world we knew that we couldn’t go back to the same way of being. Not once in the last two years have I asked myself, “What is the meaning of this life I’ve been given?” I know now, that no matter how many times the view from my window changes, the important thing is the people inside my rig. For us, home really is where you park it, and that sense of home is wrapped up in the journey we are taking together. I thought I was leaving home to explore the country, but what I found was that we took our home with us, to find our authentic selves. And we haven’t looked back.